Wow! I am so thankful for the outpour of love and support after my post yesterday! It was hard and honestly, quite embarrassing, to admit some of those things yesterday. I greatly appreciate the support I've received because of it!
There is hope at the end of my story from yesterday. Great hope found only in the blood of Christ. If you are in the midst of the mess, however, it's hard to see the hope, the pot at the end of the rainbow; it's hard to even see tomorrow sometimes. I wish I had some magical answer that would make everything ok for every person struggling out there. I hate the pain and suffering this world brings! I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all disappear! I can't, but I do know someone who is greater and more powerful than any force on Earth. He is my Savior, the Hope I have in life, and He can be yours, too!
Let me enlighten you on how I got to this realization. For as long as I can remember, I've been a Christian. I've always had an amazing faith in Christ. It wasn't until 5ish years ago when my faith began to waiver. I still believed in Christ and the Bible, but I became complacent in my faith. I guess I thought I knew everything there was to know and lost my sense of wonder at the mystery of the cross. It was then I lost all sense of who I was in Christ and sank into the darkness.
When we were on our retreat in Colorado, the counselor asked us what name God would call us if He were to give us a name. Well, that seemed a little silly to me. I've never been fond of silly exercises like that. One night, however, I had a dark cloud over me. I had been crying for hours and just felt oppressed. I was miserable. Kent came in and laid beside me. We prayed together against Satan and his darkness. I literally felt a dark presence lift off me. It was the weirdest, most freeing thing I've ever experienced. Then, I felt God was calling me His "Joy." How could that be? I was a mess, I was a horrible person, I wasn't living a life pleasing to Him. But, He still loved me. He still wanted to call me His child. He still took joy in me.
One of my favorite verses of all time is Hebrews 12:2, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of our faith. Who, for the JOY set before Him, endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the Father." That's right, I was that "joy" He was thinking about when He was nailed to the cross. You are the "joy" He was thinking of! He had us in mind when He died. He did it for us! He knew we were going to screw up. He knew we would be sinners and slip up time and time again, but He died for us anyway. What an amazing thing. There it is. My wonder of the cross was back!
I mentioned a verse yesterday that has helped me through this time. Zephaniah 3:17, "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." This verse just reiterated what I know in my heart to be true. "He takes great delight in me." How crazy is that? The God of this universe, the God who created everything you see around you, the God who could strike us down anytime He feels like it, takes great delight in us! You see, WE are His joy!
The next segment, "He will quiet you with His love," was my next source of strength. I never could put it in words until the retreat, but at one point the counselor asked me if I struggled with anxiety. After she asked me that, I thought about it, and, yes, I do. I get a physical reaction from it. This verse has helped me with that, too. "He will quiet you with His love." He calms me. He settles my nerves. This just brought a funny picture to my head. Have you seen pride and prejudice? You know the mom..."Oh, my nerves! You don't know what I suffer!" Ha! Well, actually, I do, but instead of making others suffer with me, I know rely on Christ to calm them. It's not easy, but praying for His calm and His love to come over me has helped tremendously.
I know every struggle is different, but I hope you can see the hope there is at the end of the tunnel. The hope found in Christ and the freedom He brings. If you aren't already, spend time reading and meditating on scripture. Find the verse that speaks to your particular situation. Memorize it, repeat it, pray it over your life, and believe it. I can't promise the road will be easy, but maybe, just maybe you will begin to see the hope and rise from the mud you've been stuck in for too long. That is my prayer for you.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Laying it all on the Line
"The great weakness in the North American church at large, and certainly in my life, is our refusal to accept our brokenness. We hide it, evade it, gloss over it...Thus, we present to others a self that is spiritually together, superficially happy, and lacquered with a sense of self-deprecating humor that passes for humility." Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning - page.122
Wow...I don't know that I've ever read a more true statement than that one above. I was introduced to the book, "Ruthless Trust," in October. I've been slowly reading through it, and it has convicted me in many areas of my life. This quote, however, hits the biggest nerve. I am getting better, but I have a façade that I put over my life that makes me appear as if I have it all together...don't be fooled!
I have heard a few people tell me I'm "perfect" or that I'm the "perfect house wife." While that's flattering, it's also a little unnerving. I don't want people looking at me like that because when I fail I will disappoint. And, I have failed...over and over again. This is why I am starting up this blog again. Not only do I want to remember cute things my kids do (which is why I originally began the blog), but I hope this will help someone with their struggles in life. So, here we go...
Being a stay at home mom is the most rewarding job I've ever had. It's also the hardest. You're on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I can't just leave all my responsibilities at the door as I leave my job, as in a normal job. I am always at someone's beck and call. This is hard...very hard. You may think us stay at home moms have it easy...lounging all day, watching our "soaps," relaxing. Not true! We work our butts off all day long! If you're a stay at home mom and you think it's easy, I'd love to hear your story... :)
Anyway, let me lay this out there...I'm a broken person. I mess up daily, many, many times. There came a point where I didn't think I could go on any longer. During that dark time in my life, I had a friend who opened up to me and shared her struggles. It was then I realized I wasn't alone. There are other moms out there who struggle, too! I didn't have to be "supermom!" It was such an eye-opening experience. Her sharing with me literally changed my life.
Here's where it all began...Our family used to take a yearly retreat. We would go to a cabin in the woods, escape from all technology and just spend a week as a family. On our retreat in October 2010, we were heading into town for our day of fun with the kids. Kent received a message on his phone that the building we were meeting in for church (we had planted a church and were meeting in a school) was kicking us out. The next Sunday (this was Thursday!) would be our last day to meet in the school. Well, this sucked. We had our day of fun with the kids and left for home the next day...three days early. It was all down hill from there.
In July 2011, Kent's dad passed away. This was hard on our entire family. I'm literally in tears writing this. He was an amazing man. Two weeks later, we had our third child, Parker. It was a bittersweet time for us. We wish Doug could've been there for her birth.
We loved Parker so much, but she was our most difficult child. She was fussy and wasn't able to keep down her bottles. She would literally throw up the entire bottle 30 minutes after she ate. She burped well. We couldn't figure out why she did this. She also didn't sleep through the night until she was 11 months old. The other two kids did at 6 and 8 weeks. (We later - when she turned 2! - found out she is allergic to milk, which was what caused her vomiting.)
In the midst of transitioning to three children, trying to let Kent grieve his dad, and dealing with a colicky baby, I was suffering from postpartum depression. To make this worse, I went back on birth control. If you don't know, birth control magnifies emotions, so my depression got worse. I was really struggling. On our retreat that year, I admitted to Kent that there were times I wasn't fit to be a mom. I wanted to hurt the kids sometimes - this is extremely hard for me to admit. I would have to literally remove myself from the situation, which I did. I NEVER hurt my children, but there were times my emotions really scared me. I would call Kent home from work to help because I couldn't handle life on my own.
That Halloween we had carved a pumpkin and I was trying to clean the pumpkin seeds so we could roast them. I don't know what happened to me, but I was so frustrated with the stupid seeds that I ended up sitting on the floor crying, contemplating suicide. What the heck was wrong with me?!? I have no idea. The next day I called my doctor. She offered me depression medication; I'm not a fan of that, so decided to just get off birth control and see if that helped.
Gosh, reading back over that is hard. It's so difficult for me to admit my faults and lay my soul out there for all to see.
In the end, getting off the birth control did help - tremendously! It wasn't all rainbows and sunshine, though. I still struggled with getting down. I never hit rock bottom again, but it wasn't easy. I pressed on through life as a mom, graduate student, children's director at church, and church planter's wife. I felt like I was just surviving, not thriving in life. The joy had disappeared from my life. Sure, I could put on a happy face, but deep down, it wasn't there.
Well, fast forward a little...in February of 2013, we had our fourth child, Simon. He was super unexpected, but we are so thankful for him! Even so, we were still treading water in life. I quit my job as children's director after having him. That helped alleviate some stress, but I still felt like I could barely keep my head above water. In September of that year, Kent and I had a talk. Life was pulling us down, and we couldn't keep up the pace. He resigned from his job at Epic and I quit working on my masters.
In November, a group sent us on a retreat as a couple. This retreat is focused on pastors and their spouses and has intensive counseling. It was a week long. During this week, Kent and I went through a lot of hurt and healing. I won't go into specific details, but this was the week things started to actually look up for us. We set goals and a plan for our life. We made a list of priorities and what we needed to see change in our lives. One of the key things we realized was that our times with Jesus were pretty much nonexistent. It's no wonder we were so messed up! I don't know what you believe about spiritual warfare, but I believe Satan is real and he preys on the weak. During the past couple of years, we were weak...extremely weak. Satan saw a chance, and I stepped back and let him start to control my life. That was the biggest mistake I've ever made. Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He was on his way to completing those three objectives in my life. Imagine if I had let him win! Where would I be now? Would I even be here today? It's a messed up world we live in, and he is the source of it all!
After the retreat, I began to be diligent about setting time aside each day to spend time reading my Bible and meditating on scripture. There are two verses that are a source of peace for me:
Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."
Romans 6:6 "For we know that our old self was crucified with Him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin."
These two powerful verses are my source of strength through the rough days. I have memorized them and repeat them when I feel myself slipping back into the pit of despair I was in before. It hasn't been an easy road, and I don't believe it will ever be "easy," but with Christ on my side, I will win. I cannot lose!
Wow...I don't know that I've ever read a more true statement than that one above. I was introduced to the book, "Ruthless Trust," in October. I've been slowly reading through it, and it has convicted me in many areas of my life. This quote, however, hits the biggest nerve. I am getting better, but I have a façade that I put over my life that makes me appear as if I have it all together...don't be fooled!
I have heard a few people tell me I'm "perfect" or that I'm the "perfect house wife." While that's flattering, it's also a little unnerving. I don't want people looking at me like that because when I fail I will disappoint. And, I have failed...over and over again. This is why I am starting up this blog again. Not only do I want to remember cute things my kids do (which is why I originally began the blog), but I hope this will help someone with their struggles in life. So, here we go...
Being a stay at home mom is the most rewarding job I've ever had. It's also the hardest. You're on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I can't just leave all my responsibilities at the door as I leave my job, as in a normal job. I am always at someone's beck and call. This is hard...very hard. You may think us stay at home moms have it easy...lounging all day, watching our "soaps," relaxing. Not true! We work our butts off all day long! If you're a stay at home mom and you think it's easy, I'd love to hear your story... :)
Anyway, let me lay this out there...I'm a broken person. I mess up daily, many, many times. There came a point where I didn't think I could go on any longer. During that dark time in my life, I had a friend who opened up to me and shared her struggles. It was then I realized I wasn't alone. There are other moms out there who struggle, too! I didn't have to be "supermom!" It was such an eye-opening experience. Her sharing with me literally changed my life.
Here's where it all began...Our family used to take a yearly retreat. We would go to a cabin in the woods, escape from all technology and just spend a week as a family. On our retreat in October 2010, we were heading into town for our day of fun with the kids. Kent received a message on his phone that the building we were meeting in for church (we had planted a church and were meeting in a school) was kicking us out. The next Sunday (this was Thursday!) would be our last day to meet in the school. Well, this sucked. We had our day of fun with the kids and left for home the next day...three days early. It was all down hill from there.
In July 2011, Kent's dad passed away. This was hard on our entire family. I'm literally in tears writing this. He was an amazing man. Two weeks later, we had our third child, Parker. It was a bittersweet time for us. We wish Doug could've been there for her birth.
We loved Parker so much, but she was our most difficult child. She was fussy and wasn't able to keep down her bottles. She would literally throw up the entire bottle 30 minutes after she ate. She burped well. We couldn't figure out why she did this. She also didn't sleep through the night until she was 11 months old. The other two kids did at 6 and 8 weeks. (We later - when she turned 2! - found out she is allergic to milk, which was what caused her vomiting.)
In the midst of transitioning to three children, trying to let Kent grieve his dad, and dealing with a colicky baby, I was suffering from postpartum depression. To make this worse, I went back on birth control. If you don't know, birth control magnifies emotions, so my depression got worse. I was really struggling. On our retreat that year, I admitted to Kent that there were times I wasn't fit to be a mom. I wanted to hurt the kids sometimes - this is extremely hard for me to admit. I would have to literally remove myself from the situation, which I did. I NEVER hurt my children, but there were times my emotions really scared me. I would call Kent home from work to help because I couldn't handle life on my own.
That Halloween we had carved a pumpkin and I was trying to clean the pumpkin seeds so we could roast them. I don't know what happened to me, but I was so frustrated with the stupid seeds that I ended up sitting on the floor crying, contemplating suicide. What the heck was wrong with me?!? I have no idea. The next day I called my doctor. She offered me depression medication; I'm not a fan of that, so decided to just get off birth control and see if that helped.
Gosh, reading back over that is hard. It's so difficult for me to admit my faults and lay my soul out there for all to see.
In the end, getting off the birth control did help - tremendously! It wasn't all rainbows and sunshine, though. I still struggled with getting down. I never hit rock bottom again, but it wasn't easy. I pressed on through life as a mom, graduate student, children's director at church, and church planter's wife. I felt like I was just surviving, not thriving in life. The joy had disappeared from my life. Sure, I could put on a happy face, but deep down, it wasn't there.
Well, fast forward a little...in February of 2013, we had our fourth child, Simon. He was super unexpected, but we are so thankful for him! Even so, we were still treading water in life. I quit my job as children's director after having him. That helped alleviate some stress, but I still felt like I could barely keep my head above water. In September of that year, Kent and I had a talk. Life was pulling us down, and we couldn't keep up the pace. He resigned from his job at Epic and I quit working on my masters.
In November, a group sent us on a retreat as a couple. This retreat is focused on pastors and their spouses and has intensive counseling. It was a week long. During this week, Kent and I went through a lot of hurt and healing. I won't go into specific details, but this was the week things started to actually look up for us. We set goals and a plan for our life. We made a list of priorities and what we needed to see change in our lives. One of the key things we realized was that our times with Jesus were pretty much nonexistent. It's no wonder we were so messed up! I don't know what you believe about spiritual warfare, but I believe Satan is real and he preys on the weak. During the past couple of years, we were weak...extremely weak. Satan saw a chance, and I stepped back and let him start to control my life. That was the biggest mistake I've ever made. Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He was on his way to completing those three objectives in my life. Imagine if I had let him win! Where would I be now? Would I even be here today? It's a messed up world we live in, and he is the source of it all!
After the retreat, I began to be diligent about setting time aside each day to spend time reading my Bible and meditating on scripture. There are two verses that are a source of peace for me:
Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."
Romans 6:6 "For we know that our old self was crucified with Him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin."
These two powerful verses are my source of strength through the rough days. I have memorized them and repeat them when I feel myself slipping back into the pit of despair I was in before. It hasn't been an easy road, and I don't believe it will ever be "easy," but with Christ on my side, I will win. I cannot lose!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Peter's Little Gift
When Peter finds small pieces of trash on the floor, he picks them up and hands them to me. It's really sweet. And, I'm glad he doesn't put them in his mouth!
This morning, Kent, Peter, and I were being lazy and lying in bed together. Peter held his hand out to me with a little gift. I, of course, took the gift. I then realized he had picked his nose and handed me his booger! Gross, but hilarious! :)
This morning, Kent, Peter, and I were being lazy and lying in bed together. Peter held his hand out to me with a little gift. I, of course, took the gift. I then realized he had picked his nose and handed me his booger! Gross, but hilarious! :)
Monday, December 14, 2009
Cheeze Its
So tonight Kent and I went out with another couple. Some people offered to babysit all the kids...for free...so we took them up on it. They were feeding the kids some Cheeze Its, and Peter loved them! In fact, he loved them so much, he discovered a way to get more.
The other couple has a little girl Peter's age. She still takes a pacifier, so when Peter finished all his crackers, he would walk over to Audie, stick her pacifier in her mouth, and eat her cheeze its! What a stinker! This cracked us up when we heard it, but I guess it's not good for our 15-month-old to be this sneaky...
The other couple has a little girl Peter's age. She still takes a pacifier, so when Peter finished all his crackers, he would walk over to Audie, stick her pacifier in her mouth, and eat her cheeze its! What a stinker! This cracked us up when we heard it, but I guess it's not good for our 15-month-old to be this sneaky...
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Little Helper
We put together Piper's crib today. Peter, being the little busy be that he is, insisted on helping. He threw stuff away for us, handed dad the pieces, but best of all, he helped screw in the bolts. We gave him his own allen wrench to use. He would go around finding all the holes and put the wrench in them. Then he'd twist the wrench around and move on to the next hole. He's such a cute helper!
Dancing...
Peter's monitor has a button you can push to play music. Well, he's figured out how to turn the music on. Every time I open his door, he heads straight for the monitor. He pushes the button, puts the monitor down, and spins in circles with an adorable smile on his face. He's got to be the cutest dancer ever!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Random Happenings
So I obviously haven't written anything in a while, so I thought I'd just jot down a bunch of random things I thought were cute that I remember...
Today, Peter was eating hotdogs, cheese, and apples for lunch. I gave him ketchup for his hotdog, but he decided to dip his apples in it instead. After trying his first ketchup-dipped apple, he says, "Mmm mmm!"
Yesterday he was chasing Kent around the living room and kitchen saying, "Roar! Roar! Roar!" It was so cute! I love how his personality is taking shape!
When the girls (dogs) are outside, he'll wait by the door saying, "Hoo, Hoo, Hoo!" (That's Hoove.)
He's started sleeping with his "baby." It's a little bear that was Kent's when he was little. He's so cute with it. He'll hug it when you give it to him. It really helped him sleep when we were away from home at Thanksgiving.
When you ask him a question, if he doesn't know the answer, he'll furrow his eyebrows, raise his hands, and say, "I don't know." (Well, a variation of "I don't know.") It's too cute.
We bought him swords the other day. They're made out of foam, so completely safe. :) He likes to sword fight with them. Our poor dogs, especially Cana, get the most beatings from them...
My parents have a cat. We visited them over Thanksgiving. Peter decided it was fun pulling the cat's tail. Poor cat didn't like him very much.
He is currently on his hands and knees on the floor. I believe he's pooping. He's making a "fart" noise with his lips and pushing...maybe too much information for most readers. :)
He likes to sing "Where is Pointer?". He doesn't say any of the words, but he definitely has the melody down and can do the finger actions. He also sings "London Bridge."
He's started being a little helper. He likes to throw things away. He also picks up pretty good.
He's discovered he can make funny sounds with paper towel holders. He goes around with them up to his mouth singing...
He plays fetch with Hoove. Each time Hoove gets the ball he claps for her.
He's great at the sign language we've been teaching him! He knows "more," "all done," "thank you," "please," and "I love you." He's such a smart little guy!
He takes after his mom with his love for chocolate...if you give him a bite, he starts saying, "more, please!" over and over!
I guess that's all for now. Maybe I'll get better at blogging and add posts more often...then again, maybe a monthly update will suffice. :)
Today, Peter was eating hotdogs, cheese, and apples for lunch. I gave him ketchup for his hotdog, but he decided to dip his apples in it instead. After trying his first ketchup-dipped apple, he says, "Mmm mmm!"
Yesterday he was chasing Kent around the living room and kitchen saying, "Roar! Roar! Roar!" It was so cute! I love how his personality is taking shape!
When the girls (dogs) are outside, he'll wait by the door saying, "Hoo, Hoo, Hoo!" (That's Hoove.)
He's started sleeping with his "baby." It's a little bear that was Kent's when he was little. He's so cute with it. He'll hug it when you give it to him. It really helped him sleep when we were away from home at Thanksgiving.
When you ask him a question, if he doesn't know the answer, he'll furrow his eyebrows, raise his hands, and say, "I don't know." (Well, a variation of "I don't know.") It's too cute.
We bought him swords the other day. They're made out of foam, so completely safe. :) He likes to sword fight with them. Our poor dogs, especially Cana, get the most beatings from them...
My parents have a cat. We visited them over Thanksgiving. Peter decided it was fun pulling the cat's tail. Poor cat didn't like him very much.
He is currently on his hands and knees on the floor. I believe he's pooping. He's making a "fart" noise with his lips and pushing...maybe too much information for most readers. :)
He likes to sing "Where is Pointer?". He doesn't say any of the words, but he definitely has the melody down and can do the finger actions. He also sings "London Bridge."
He's started being a little helper. He likes to throw things away. He also picks up pretty good.
He's discovered he can make funny sounds with paper towel holders. He goes around with them up to his mouth singing...
He plays fetch with Hoove. Each time Hoove gets the ball he claps for her.
He's great at the sign language we've been teaching him! He knows "more," "all done," "thank you," "please," and "I love you." He's such a smart little guy!
He takes after his mom with his love for chocolate...if you give him a bite, he starts saying, "more, please!" over and over!
I guess that's all for now. Maybe I'll get better at blogging and add posts more often...then again, maybe a monthly update will suffice. :)
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